Marriage Vs. Money

There is nothing more trying on a marriage than money. Believe me, I know. I have been married almost 5 years now and every large disagreement my husband and I have had has been in regards to finances. Sadly, as of late our fights have become more and more frequent. Probably due to the fact that money has become more and more scarce. Don't get me wrong, we are not out on the street, or living in a van down by the river. Still, we don't have as much money coming in as we would like and it's starting to take it's toll. Kevin, my husband, feels lost...He wants so badly to return to Michigan where my stepdaughters live. He feels as though he has not been a good father to them, and in many ways he is correct. Not because he doesn't try, mind you, but because the distance is so great and we haven't been able to come up with the money to visit as often as we should. I understand all this, I really do. I do not have a problem with his feelings about this issue. Where we have conflict is how he deals with these issues. Like many men he withdraws, which in turn leaves me feeling emotionally empty. I want to rally by his side, "us against the world." It's hard to do so, though, when I don't feel that he cares whether I am by his side or not. This is probably totally untrue, and I am probably just being emotional. Oh well. This is how I feel.

Marriage is work. Every day I spend more energy being married than I do anything else. I try to focus on how wonderful things would be if we didn't have the stresses and worries we do. I try to work towards that goal. I just don't know if I am working towards this with Kevin or on my own.

I know my husband loves me. I do know that. But I also feel he resents me for decisions made in the past. All I can say to that is that I have always tried my best to be a good wife, mother. Every decision I have made has been made with the best of intentions in furthering my family's success. I have never done anything out of malice or to get back at him. I'm not that petty. Not every choice I have made has turned out the way I have wanted. Many have. Yet how do I get past these failures and move on if the person who is my partner will not??

How I long to live somewhere that money has no value...If love were currency I would be set. I have plenty of that to give. I'm just not sure it's worth much these days.