Marriage Vs. Money

There is nothing more trying on a marriage than money. Believe me, I know. I have been married almost 5 years now and every large disagreement my husband and I have had has been in regards to finances. Sadly, as of late our fights have become more and more frequent. Probably due to the fact that money has become more and more scarce. Don't get me wrong, we are not out on the street, or living in a van down by the river. Still, we don't have as much money coming in as we would like and it's starting to take it's toll. Kevin, my husband, feels lost...He wants so badly to return to Michigan where my stepdaughters live. He feels as though he has not been a good father to them, and in many ways he is correct. Not because he doesn't try, mind you, but because the distance is so great and we haven't been able to come up with the money to visit as often as we should. I understand all this, I really do. I do not have a problem with his feelings about this issue. Where we have conflict is how he deals with these issues. Like many men he withdraws, which in turn leaves me feeling emotionally empty. I want to rally by his side, "us against the world." It's hard to do so, though, when I don't feel that he cares whether I am by his side or not. This is probably totally untrue, and I am probably just being emotional. Oh well. This is how I feel.

Marriage is work. Every day I spend more energy being married than I do anything else. I try to focus on how wonderful things would be if we didn't have the stresses and worries we do. I try to work towards that goal. I just don't know if I am working towards this with Kevin or on my own.

I know my husband loves me. I do know that. But I also feel he resents me for decisions made in the past. All I can say to that is that I have always tried my best to be a good wife, mother. Every decision I have made has been made with the best of intentions in furthering my family's success. I have never done anything out of malice or to get back at him. I'm not that petty. Not every choice I have made has turned out the way I have wanted. Many have. Yet how do I get past these failures and move on if the person who is my partner will not??

How I long to live somewhere that money has no value...If love were currency I would be set. I have plenty of that to give. I'm just not sure it's worth much these days.

I Need Something More

If you were to take a photograph of my life this is what you would see: One 26 (almost 27) year old woman with three BEAUTIFUL little girls, two BEAUTIFUL not so little anymore stepdaughters, one stand-by-me husband and one rewarding job. A very pretty picture if I do say so myself. However, as the saying goes, things are not always what they may seem. PLEASE do not get me wrong...I am VERY happy with all of the things I listed above...but lately I have started to wonder if there is not something more out there, something I am missing, something I should be doing that I haven't discovered yet.

Honestly, I have felt this way for years. I once thought that what I was missing was children. Obviously that's not the case, as I now have enough children to run my own school but the feeling still remains. I once thought that what I was missing was a dedicated, long term relationship. Kevin and I have been (almost always) happily married for nearly 5 years and so that cannot be it. That brings me to my job. This, I think, is the problem. I LOVE Goodwill. As a company it is a stand-up one, dedicated to its mission of helping others. My co-workers are wonderful, I couldn't ask for more. Still, I think that this may not be the profession for me. I think that I want to stay in human services...Perhaps marriage and family therapy? Not totally sure. So is that what is missing?? Am I missing a piece of me that pertains to my true calling?

Even as I write this I am not sure. The feeling of incompleteness I have runs so deep sometimes that I fear I will never really figure it out. All around me I see people with passion, with inspiration, driven by one thing or another. When I talk to friends they seem so contented with their life, happy with where they are on their path. I think I used to have that. I KNOW I did. When did this change? How did it change? My life has meaning, I know....but perhaps it doesn't hold all of the meaning that it could. A piece of the puzzle is missing.

4 going on 14

I have come to the conclusion as of late that Ellie is actually a teenager trapped in a 4 year olds body. I'm not really sure how this happened, but really it's the only explanation I have as to why she has been acting so snobby lately. Though I know I am strong willed, I like to think that I am not a particularly snobby person. Yet here is my little girl, talking to me like I remember talking to my mom. When I was 16.

I wish I could post a picture or video of her when she's in the middle of a 'tude. It's not just what she says, but how she says it. When she stands in front of me, hands on hips, eyes rolled, I am not sure whether to scold her or to laugh out loud. She looks so comical, trying to be all grown up and tough. I did notice that this new attitude began when she started school, so I am wondering if there is some influence there. It's either that or she is getting up late at night to watch MTV.

All I can think is Lord help me if I have to go through this for the next 14 years straight. Well, it will be Kevin that will really need the help. He loves his girls...but I don't see how he is going to deal with 5 having their periods at once if he can't handle the sarcasm of his 4 year old. Oh boy.

Big Baby-Venting!

This is a venting post. Just so you know what to expect, I want to put it out there right now. Today is a full blown "Laura Is Annoyed" day.

Ellie has been sick for the past few days with a cold (not what I am annoyed about), and she's been a real trooper. Today Kev and I were going to have the girls stay with Dad so we could run some errands and Santa could get a few more stocking stuffers. Plus I didn't want to take her out in the bitter cold when she's been feeling so icky lately. Anyways, about 45 minutes before we were supposed to go Kev tells me he's not feeling well either. So, of course, I said we could go a different day. That really didn't bother me. What bothers me is what a BABY he is when he's sick. Are all men like this?? He plays the "poor me" card to the point I can't help but roll my eyes. I know, I know...that sounds terrible of me...but this is what really gets me. Hear me out. When he was on the road I cannot count the number of times I was sick and still had to get my butt up, take care of the girls, go to work, make dinner, run baths, read stories, etc. I sure as heck didn't have anyone making me warm drinks and soup, keeping the house quiet while I slept, etc. Mommy's aren't supposed to get sick. It's in the job description. I get that. Still, shouldn't that go for fathers as well?? Even when Kev's home and I'm sick it's really no different. At the very least I get hounded by a million and one questions that any grownup should be able to figure out if they put their mind to it and didn't rely on another to do everything for them. It's to the point that when I feel terrible I don't even mention it anymore. More trouble than it's worth I guess. Kev's not at that point yet. He has no problem letting everyone know that he doesn't feel good, and has no problem telling me what I should do about it. UGH!!!!

Man, this sounds horrible of me doesn't it? I know it does...but I can't help it. Kev's mom is a kind caring woman who I am sure did all she could for him when he was sick...and that's great. But boy oh boy has it made my job tough as a wife!! It's times like these is when I feel like a terrible wife. Maybe I am. Oh well.

All I Want For Christmas Is Inspiration

Last night Kev and I watched the movie "Julie and Julia." I LOVED it!! I found the story cute and the acting was great. More than that, though, I found it very inspirational. Basically a movie about two women who find their passion in life the message was clear: Do what you love, and love what you do. However after the movie was over I was left feeling a little, well, sad. I love my life, my children, my husband. I would NEVER, and I mean this with every fiber of my being, trade what I have for anything else. Yet it is normal for me to feel as though something is missing, something inside of myself that just isn't "right." I am missing my personal passion...Not the passion I find in being a mommy or a wife, both of which are on a level all its own...but a passion inside of me for something larger than me. A fire. A spark.

I used to find passion in music, and I still do. However when I tried to pursue this passion in college I found the schedule so stressful that I began to lose the passion. Doing what I loved constantly caused my love to dwindle. So, I quit my studies as a music major. After that I did a lot of musicals, played in some community groups, etc. Since moving to Minnesota, though, I have not found a way to replace that...I went from having music in my life all of the time to not having it at all. I have looked for local groups here but have come up empty handed. I have offered to tutor music students but with no luck.

I am at the point now where I feel as though I need something new to keep me going, to light my inner passion. Art perhaps? But I'm not really very good....I enjoy writing, but I never really know what to write about...

All of this is why I would like to ask Santa this year for a little bit of inspiration. I want some of my fire back...some of my passion....And if he can't deliver, well, I don't know who can.

Great Escape

My girls escaped the other day. Let me explain...Since Kev has been laid off we have gotten into a routine of I do all the night feedings and wakings for the girls and then Kev gets up with them in the morning so I can sleep for a few hours. The other morning I woke him up as usual at about 6:30 and I went back to bed. Apparently when he went into the living room he promptly laid on the couch and fell back to sleep. Not smart. Ellie and Emma took advantage of this. Armed with a roll of quarters and our mail key they decided to take a through the apartment to go see Grandpa. I woke up and came out into the living room to find Kev snoring away and the girls no where in sight. I not so gently woke Kev up and in a call voice SCREAMED at him "Where are the girls?" Not a moment later did I realize that the door was unlocked. As I opened the door to run out into the hall I saw my dad coming down the hall with Ellie and Emma. Needless to say I was relieved, but I was also FURIOUS!!!!! If you might remember it was also on Kev's watch that Ellie escaped a couple of years ago in winter wearing a diaper and boots to walk down the street with her Easter basket. That was an experience I did not think would happen twice. Boy was I wrong...And trust me, boy was he sorry!!

They Are Coming To Take Me Away, Haha....

My father used to have an old record with that song on it. "They're coming to take me away, haha...they're coming to take me away hehe, hoho, to the funny farm..." Haven't heard that song in ages. Strange that it's what came to mind at about 4:00am last night when I was trying to get Elana to finally go to sleep. I know I was lucky with my first two girls, both of which started sleeping most of the night almost right after birth. Not so with this one. In fact, she wouldn't even consider going to sleep last night until so late that I consider it morning. Ashamed as I am do admit it, if the men in the white coats HAD showed up last night I think I would have gotten down on bended knee and begged to be locked away. In fact, the only thing that kept me from picking up the phone and calling the men in the white coats myself was the undeniable reality that if I am gone all of the parenting responsibilities go to Kevin...And as much as I want my girls to learn and grow I do now want them learning math via an online poker site or eating their weight in Cheese and Salsa. Guess I will stay put...