There is nothing more trying on a marriage than money. Believe me, I know. I have been married almost 5 years now and every large disagreement my husband and I have had has been in regards to finances. Sadly, as of late our fights have become more and more frequent. Probably due to the fact that money has become more and more scarce. Don't get me wrong, we are not out on the street, or living in a van down by the river. Still, we don't have as much money coming in as we would like and it's starting to take it's toll. Kevin, my husband, feels lost...He wants so badly to return to Michigan where my stepdaughters live. He feels as though he has not been a good father to them, and in many ways he is correct. Not because he doesn't try, mind you, but because the distance is so great and we haven't been able to come up with the money to visit as often as we should. I understand all this, I really do. I do not have a problem with his feelings about this issue. Where we have conflict is how he deals with these issues. Like many men he withdraws, which in turn leaves me feeling emotionally empty. I want to rally by his side, "us against the world." It's hard to do so, though, when I don't feel that he cares whether I am by his side or not. This is probably totally untrue, and I am probably just being emotional. Oh well. This is how I feel.
Marriage is work. Every day I spend more energy being married than I do anything else. I try to focus on how wonderful things would be if we didn't have the stresses and worries we do. I try to work towards that goal. I just don't know if I am working towards this with Kevin or on my own.
I know my husband loves me. I do know that. But I also feel he resents me for decisions made in the past. All I can say to that is that I have always tried my best to be a good wife, mother. Every decision I have made has been made with the best of intentions in furthering my family's success. I have never done anything out of malice or to get back at him. I'm not that petty. Not every choice I have made has turned out the way I have wanted. Many have. Yet how do I get past these failures and move on if the person who is my partner will not??
How I long to live somewhere that money has no value...If love were currency I would be set. I have plenty of that to give. I'm just not sure it's worth much these days.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
I Need Something More
If you were to take a photograph of my life this is what you would see: One 26 (almost 27) year old woman with three BEAUTIFUL little girls, two BEAUTIFUL not so little anymore stepdaughters, one stand-by-me husband and one rewarding job. A very pretty picture if I do say so myself. However, as the saying goes, things are not always what they may seem. PLEASE do not get me wrong...I am VERY happy with all of the things I listed above...but lately I have started to wonder if there is not something more out there, something I am missing, something I should be doing that I haven't discovered yet.
Honestly, I have felt this way for years. I once thought that what I was missing was children. Obviously that's not the case, as I now have enough children to run my own school but the feeling still remains. I once thought that what I was missing was a dedicated, long term relationship. Kevin and I have been (almost always) happily married for nearly 5 years and so that cannot be it. That brings me to my job. This, I think, is the problem. I LOVE Goodwill. As a company it is a stand-up one, dedicated to its mission of helping others. My co-workers are wonderful, I couldn't ask for more. Still, I think that this may not be the profession for me. I think that I want to stay in human services...Perhaps marriage and family therapy? Not totally sure. So is that what is missing?? Am I missing a piece of me that pertains to my true calling?
Even as I write this I am not sure. The feeling of incompleteness I have runs so deep sometimes that I fear I will never really figure it out. All around me I see people with passion, with inspiration, driven by one thing or another. When I talk to friends they seem so contented with their life, happy with where they are on their path. I think I used to have that. I KNOW I did. When did this change? How did it change? My life has meaning, I know....but perhaps it doesn't hold all of the meaning that it could. A piece of the puzzle is missing.
Honestly, I have felt this way for years. I once thought that what I was missing was children. Obviously that's not the case, as I now have enough children to run my own school but the feeling still remains. I once thought that what I was missing was a dedicated, long term relationship. Kevin and I have been (almost always) happily married for nearly 5 years and so that cannot be it. That brings me to my job. This, I think, is the problem. I LOVE Goodwill. As a company it is a stand-up one, dedicated to its mission of helping others. My co-workers are wonderful, I couldn't ask for more. Still, I think that this may not be the profession for me. I think that I want to stay in human services...Perhaps marriage and family therapy? Not totally sure. So is that what is missing?? Am I missing a piece of me that pertains to my true calling?
Even as I write this I am not sure. The feeling of incompleteness I have runs so deep sometimes that I fear I will never really figure it out. All around me I see people with passion, with inspiration, driven by one thing or another. When I talk to friends they seem so contented with their life, happy with where they are on their path. I think I used to have that. I KNOW I did. When did this change? How did it change? My life has meaning, I know....but perhaps it doesn't hold all of the meaning that it could. A piece of the puzzle is missing.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
4 going on 14
I have come to the conclusion as of late that Ellie is actually a teenager trapped in a 4 year olds body. I'm not really sure how this happened, but really it's the only explanation I have as to why she has been acting so snobby lately. Though I know I am strong willed, I like to think that I am not a particularly snobby person. Yet here is my little girl, talking to me like I remember talking to my mom. When I was 16.
I wish I could post a picture or video of her when she's in the middle of a 'tude. It's not just what she says, but how she says it. When she stands in front of me, hands on hips, eyes rolled, I am not sure whether to scold her or to laugh out loud. She looks so comical, trying to be all grown up and tough. I did notice that this new attitude began when she started school, so I am wondering if there is some influence there. It's either that or she is getting up late at night to watch MTV.
All I can think is Lord help me if I have to go through this for the next 14 years straight. Well, it will be Kevin that will really need the help. He loves his girls...but I don't see how he is going to deal with 5 having their periods at once if he can't handle the sarcasm of his 4 year old. Oh boy.
I wish I could post a picture or video of her when she's in the middle of a 'tude. It's not just what she says, but how she says it. When she stands in front of me, hands on hips, eyes rolled, I am not sure whether to scold her or to laugh out loud. She looks so comical, trying to be all grown up and tough. I did notice that this new attitude began when she started school, so I am wondering if there is some influence there. It's either that or she is getting up late at night to watch MTV.
All I can think is Lord help me if I have to go through this for the next 14 years straight. Well, it will be Kevin that will really need the help. He loves his girls...but I don't see how he is going to deal with 5 having their periods at once if he can't handle the sarcasm of his 4 year old. Oh boy.
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