It's been a while....

Wow, it has really been a while since I posted on here. Well, here are some updates, though most everyone who reads this blog already knows all my news ;)

We are expecting baby #4 on July 4Th of 2011. I am thrilled, though initially I was just shocked. It seems most peoples comment to the news was to ask whether or not we thought we'd have a boy this time....as if it mattered what I thought any of the other times, lol.

I started my graduate program. I am going for mental health counseling and loving it. I got a 100% on my first assignment and feel as though the cobwebs are coming off of my brain again.

Ellie turned 5 on November 4Th and Elana turned 1 on November 6Th. Amazing how the time flies!! My babies are growing up!! :( It's so bittersweet. Everyday I am thankful for my family and how happy those girls make me. Not that it's not crazy here around bedtime, or at 2am when I find them up playing with each other. Ellie is my diva, Emma is the devil in a blue dress and Elana, well, she's just "the bugs."

And of course my dad just turned 60 years young. He's loving every minute of being out here.

My mom came for a visit. It was nice. She and my dad went with us to the Halloween parade...weird, but OK. I guess they had a long talk and seem fine with each other now so that's good. No more trying to keep the peace on my part.

It snowed for the first time today. About 5 inches total. WOOOOWEEE. The girls were excited. Time to get all the gear out.

Other than that things have been the same here. Hectic, a bit crazy, but satisfying. Looking forward to the holiday's :)

September Already? Update

It's September? You have to be kidding me. Really? Nooooo....Yea? Huh, who'd of thought.

Yes, it's September, and here in the lovely state of Minnesota fall has arrived. Unlike summer, which seemed to take forever to get here, fall busted in without even a knock on the door. 98 degrees one weekend, 62 the next. Love it. With weather like this it's no shock that I am sitting at home today sick, Elana has a cold and Emma's allergies are acting up. Luckily Ellie and Kev have no symptoms of anything icky yet, but I'm sure it will happen.

Ellie started her second year of preschool. She just missed the cut off age for Kindergarten, so we are moving her up to 3 days a week at the same school she went to last year. She also had her school readiness assessment, and did fantastic. She needed to score at least a 14 to be deemed ready for school...she got a 24. That's my girl!!

Emma is trying more everyday to be the big girl. She is terrific with Elana...very much the doting big sister. Like most 2 year olds she talks NON STOP...and when she's not talking she's singing...and when she's not singing she's screaming...There seems to be noise coming out of her mouth 24 hours a day. She even talks in her sleep. LOL.

Elana is getting so big...10 months already!! She has a little cold but other than that is doing just fine. She loves to stand on her own now, not holding onto anything. Her 4 or 5 teeth make for a cute little baby grin, which she is never slow to offer up (especially when she's doing something she's not supposed to). Time is going too fast though...Where is my little bugsy? My little itty bitty baby girl?? Makes me so happy to see her grow, and breaks my heart all at the same time.

So...that's it. We had my stepdaughters (10 and 12), mother in law, brother in law and his girlfriend here for a week. Busy. Crazy. Teenage hormones. Too many people under one roof. Lots of fun :) Starting school soon. Trying to plan our move back to MI. And, when possible, catching a few minutes of sleep. LOL

Mommy Vs. Blogger

I fought with my blog tonight for over an hour trying to get it to do what I wanted. Like one of my stubborn little girls it just wouldn't listen to me! Every time I tried to change something it would simply dig its feet in and stand its ground. Eventually, like I do with my girls, I took to yelling....then pleading....then bribing. LOL. After all this we may be close to an understanding, but I can't be sure. So, if you see some random changes over the next few days that look a little funny just remember that it's nothing more than my blog throwing a temper tantrum.

Date Day

Kevin and I went out on a date day yesterday and it was GREAT!! We did a whole lot of nothing, and enjoyed every minute. Things have been crazy around my house lately. Elana is getting more teeth (always fun). The girls are all sleeping in one room at night now so this has taken some major adjusting to. Work has been insane...I've had 5 placements already this month. Plus I'm trying to plan for when Kayla, Samantha, Sue and Troy come to visit later this summer. Anyways, Kev and I figured we needed a day just to ourselves...and guess what? We were right!

We rode the new Northstar Rail down to Minneapolis and got to the city at 11:00 or so. We had lunch right away at this nice little Irish Pub, then walked around the shopping district called Nicolette Mall. Of course Kev wanted to go to the homemade candy store, and I wanted to browse the bookstores. We had coffee, we talked, we laughed...It was PERFECT!! I couldn't have asked for better weather, or better company. Sometimes I think I need days like this to remind myself of how to be a wife. I get so caught up in playing the role of MOMMY and EMPLOYEE that it takes a good metaphorical slap in the face every now and again to bring me back to the reality that I am also a WIFE. LOL. I am hoping that we can do this again soon, when schedules and screaming children allow :D

Doing Alright...

For everyone who reads this blog, I am so sorry that I have not been able to post more lately!! It seems that with Kev gone any free time I have, usually at the end of the night, is spent sleeping or doing laundry. Personally, I prefer the sleeping ;) Anyways, I just wanted to give everyone an update on how our family is doing.

Kev just got home from PA where he built a Men's Warehouse store. He will be home for the Fourth of July and then will be heading out again. I'm not sure where he will be going next, but hopefully we will find that out in a few days. So, my dad is back at it watching the girls. Honestly, I have to admit that it is nice to come home after work and see the toys picked up. My daddy tends to be a bit better about those things than Kev. He is also great at getting the girls so worn out that they actually go to sleep at night! This is a major help when I am trying to do work, laundry and make dinner all after I get home from work.

What I do NOT like is not having anyone to cuddle up to at night, or talk to when I'm stressed out. Having to wait until 8pm to have anytime to go to the bathroom alone is no fun either ;) Still, all in all, we are doing ok.

All of the girls are growing like weeds. Elana will be 8 months on the 6th!! I can't believe how fast time is going! She is a mover and a shaker, going all over the house trying to keep up with her sisters. Ellie is a great help when Kev is gone. She likes to be the big girl, and I cannot believe just how big she is getting. Emma...well, Emma is Emma. I'm not sure what else to say. LOL. She is crazy wild, but is noticing that Kev is gone a lot more than I expected her to. I will tell you this---she looks the cutest right before she attacks ;)

Soooo...that's my update. I will try to do this more than I have been. Kev got me an Android phone so it will be much easier for me to update things :D Thank you again for everyone being so supportive!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!

Here I Go Again On My Own...

That is my new theme song...that and the song they sang the other night on Glee ("They say the road ain't nowhere to start a family...)

So, if you haven't guessed Kev is going back on the road. Let me hide my bitter resentment. Today is Thursday. He will leave Saturday for PA. *SIGH* I honestly didn't think I was going to have to go through this again. And, more importantly, I'm not sure I CAN go through this again. How in the world am I going to handle a full time 40+ hour a week job while taking care of the three girls all by myself?? I'm terrified. I am terrified that I will fail my girls, that it will get to be so much that I won't be able to emotionally and/or physically handle it.

I must say my friends have been wonderful!! People keep telling me, "If anyone can do it you can..." And I appreciate that support, I really do. That doesn't make me any less apprehensive, though. Apprehensive and sad. I will wake up every morning and I will do my best...I will dig deep and find that inner strength...And I will probably eat a LOT of chocolate!!!

Field Trip

The school year is coming to an end and Ellie will be graduating from preschool soon...I can't believe my little girl is already graduating, but that's an entirely different post. Anyways, as celebration First Step Preschool decided to take a field trip to Island Park and the Minnesota Children's Museum(MCM) in St. Paul on May 11th. Being the involved mom that I try to be I decided to chaperon. My parents were always really involved with my activities when I was little and I would like to be the same way.

The plan was to arrive at 9:10, ride the bus to the park to have lunch and then go to the MCM. Sounds great, right? Sure! Except that on May 11th the weather was a cold 40 degrees with non-stop rain. Great. Fun. What the heck did I get myself into?? So I loaded the bus with a ton of preschoolers and a handfull of parents and off we went. All of the adults figured the school would have a back up plan for the park. Makes sense, right? WRONG. Nope. No back up plan. Not a one. We ate our lunchables as fast as we could before our fingers went numb. Ellie was a trooper, she hardly complained at all.

The museum was a lot more fun. Ellie and I walked around with a girl named Maddie and her dad. In fact, Ellie spent the whole day with Maddie. Rode with her on the bus, ate with her at the park and went to all the exhibits with her. It was so nice to watch that I didn't even mind I got ditched. LOL. Seriously, I was happy to see Ellie's social skills developing so well. All in all, despite the cold...and the rain...I was very happy I went.

Mother's Day Take 5

I cannot believe that today is the fifth time I have celebrated Mother's Day. Can that really be right?? My first official MD (not as a stepmom but with my own children) was in May 2006, when Ellie was about 6 months old. (I loved the ones where we had just Kayla and Samantha as well but I'm not sure if I can count those...But if we are my first one was in 2004) Oh my. Since that first MD I have had two more beautiful little girls come into my life. I have changed countless diapers, wiped away buckets full of tears and kissed away a hundred owies. You know what? I have loved every minute of it!! Yes, I have had moments where I have thought to myself, "Really Laura? Do you even remember what it's like to not have kids?" The answer to that is no, not really. I really don't remember much before I became "mommy" to the three most beautiful, wild, confident little girls I have ever known. And that's ok. Honestly, I don't want to remember...because thinking of my life without them brings too much ache into my heart.

To all those reading this who are called "Mommy"...Never forget what an important job you have. Never stop trying, even on those days when you want to run around screaming in the hopes that someone will hear. And never, EVER forget that I am here if you need to vent, cry or yell. We're all in this together!

Hello, My Friend...Hello

Sadly, this week it was more like Goodbye. I found out Wednesday evening that a very close friend whom I loved with all of my heart passed away. His name was Ron Steinberg, and he was (for many years) the man who ran the Ramsdell Theater in Manistee. This is the community theater I grew up acting in...I did my first show when I was five. I have acted in, assistant directed, played in the orchestra for and co-produced more shows than I can count on both hands. The actors always changed, the sets always changed, the costumes always changed. What NEVER changed was Ron. He was always there, a staple at the theater in a way that made it feel like home.

Over the years Ron became a very good friend to me. When I was living in Michigan and Kevin was on the road Ron would help me out with rides or, when the going got really tough, a little bit of money now and then. No, it was not a romantic thing...he could have been my grandfather...but he watched over me. Maybe he felt like family since I had basically grown up spending two hours a night, five nights a week with him for years and years. Whatever the reason, he was always there no matter what.

I am not sure how he died...I know that he had pretty bad diabetes and was on dialysis. He didn't show up to his regular morning breakfast and when somebody went to check on them they found him. What breaks my heart the most is that he had to die alone. Here's a man who gave so much to the community and when his end came there was no one there...It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

I choose the title to this blog in his memory. One of Ron's favorite songs was "Hello Again" by Neil Diamond. You will be missed, my dear. Perhaps we will all see you again, haunting the Ramsdell right next to your old friend TJ.

Love and Marriage

Today I feel so loved. Kevin and I will be married 5 years in June...Sometimes it feels as though we are so comfortable with each other that neither of us really has to try anymore. Not that either of us don't want to try, but because we feel safe and secure. Still, that's no excuse. So I've been trying hard lately to show Kev how much I really do love him, how much I want him in my life. Today he repaid me in full.

I had a really looong Monday, as most Mondays tend to be. I got home and to my utter surprise he was already making dinner. After saying hi to the girls I sat down at the computer and there was a document on the screen. It was a poem/song. A song he had started working on right before our wedding. Now, any of you who know Kevin understand what I mean when I say that he is not a mushy sort of guy. He gets sports, loves to build things...but is not all that great with romance. Well, today he put the icing on the cake. He blew me away. I felt, I FEEL so loved.

Young marriage is hard...Marriage in general is hard...You have to work at it everyday. It will never be a fairy tale, the perfect little couple staring into each others eyes for hours on end. There will be ups, downs and bombshells. Still, I wouldn't change it for the world.

Three little monkeys on the bed

We have started our second ever transition into a big girl bed. Emma, who has been climbing in and out of her crib with ease now for quite a while, is finally going to spend her first night in her toddler bed. This afternoon Kev was able to figure out how to lower her crib and take the side off so we should be all set without having to go out and buy something new. The only funny thing is that her bed is farther off the ground than Ellie's....it's comical. I could go through the effort of trying to make them switch, but I have a strong feeling that would turn out to be more trouble than it's worth ;) Kev says at least he won't have to into the bedroom all the time to keep putting her back in her bed...LOL. Yeah, 'cause he's really the one who does that at night;)

Elana will be going into her crib this weekend, we just have to hook up a replacement part we ordered. It's way past time for her to be out of her bassinet, but we just didn't get the part until now. She's almost 6 months and her nursery can barely be called that...Oh well....LOL An interior designer I am not ;)

3:00AM Hide and Seek

About a week ago I went to Arizona for a short vacation to see my mom. Kevin did great, and I had a ton of fun...but that's an entirely different post. When I got back I went right back into my routine of getting up with the girls at night. My first night back this is what happened.

I woke up around 3am and thought I would go check on Ellie and Emma since they had been quiet all night. Sometimes, in my house, being quiet is worse than being loud. Anyways, I got up and walked into the hall. The first thing I spot is the girls door open. I walk over to it and Ellie is standing with her face to the wall. This was our conversation:

"Ellie, what are you doing?"
"Playing Hide and Seek with Emma."
"NOW? It's the middle of the night!!!"
"Emma wanted to play..."
"Where is Emma..."
"She's hiding, silly mommy."

Oh. My. Word. Are you KIDDING me?? So of course I had to find her...Off I go, Ellie trailing behind, doing a mad 3am search for a hiding Emma. I turned on the lights and looked in the bathrooms, living room and bedrooms. No Emma. The only place left was Elana's room. Sure enough, Emma was hiding under Elana's crib. It was a given that she wouldn't want to come out when I found her so, as quietly as I could, I literally had to crawl under the crib and DRAG her out. This was our part of of the conversation:

"Emma, what on earth are you doing?
" I 'iding from stisy."
" I see that, but it's the middle of the night. You can't hide in the middle of the night."
" I 'ide in mommy's room?"
"No you cannot hide in mommy's room."
"I 'ide in my Lana's room?"
"Nope, no more in Lana's room."
"I 'ide in my room?"
"You can hide in your room if you do it in your bed."
"Ok mommy!!"

So off to bed they both went, where Emma plopped down and promptly threw her blankie over her head. I kissed her sheeted head, kissed Ellie and headed towards the door. Just as I was about to close the door Emma popped out from under her blankie and yelled "BOO!"

I shut the door and walked away.

Words That Hurt

Lately Ellie has been just full of words that hurt. For example...The other day I called Kev from work to tell him to take chicken out of the freezer. Ellie said she wanted to say HI so he gave her the phone. What does she say to me when she gets on? "Hi Mommy, don't come home, stay away." Hmmm....nice.

Today was worse. I am going to AZ in a few days and wanted to get my hair done first. I got a cut and color which I have to say I LOVE. I got home and Ellie comes up and says, "Mommy, you look ucki-full." My dad, who was there at the time, asked "Don't you mean beautiful?" And Ellie responded, "No, ucki-full. Mommy's hair is ugly and all tangly." Nice.

Now, I know she's only 4, but I have to admit that her words can still hurt me. When Kevin told her to say sorry she did, but only because he wouldn't let her do what she wanted until she said it. When I explained to her how her words hurt my feelings, it really didn't seem to phase her much. I have noticed her attitude towards me getting worse lately. Not towards anyone else, just me. Another of what I call her "Pre-pre-pre teen" phase. Great. I can't wait to hear what she says when puberty actually sets in.

Updates

It's been a while since I posted updates on the girls so I thought I would do so and bring everyone up to speed.

Ellie: I can't believe how big my little girl is getting! Her newest thing is playing Nick Jr. games on the computer. She LOVES it. Plus she does surprisingly well considering she's never really used a computer before. It gives her something to look forward to when Emma is taking her nap. And she's using her big girl bike now...Granted, she was a little timid at first but she's getting the hang of it. Had her preschool teacher meeting the other day and they said she's above the curve with her writing skills, so that's very cool. I am so proud of her!!!

Emma: OMG, Emma is a nutball. Ask Jill, we were discussing it the other night. All attitude, NO FEAR. The girl has bruises and scrapes all over, yet she never sheds a tear about it. I think she inherited Kevin's high pain tolerance. Great. She is totally becoming her own little person now. Her favorite word is "no" and trust me, she uses it ALL THE TIME!!!! Our big struggle right now is getting her to sit down and eat. She refuses...And she NEEDS to eat. I'm afraid if I can't figure something out soon she's going to start looking like one of those starving kids on the TV. :(

Elana: My little bugsy is getting SO BIG! Will be 5 months in April, and I can't believe it. Out of all three she is certainly the most happy, smiling of the lot. Now that we are over the colic that is. She is also a major Mommy's girl. If only she didn't drool so much when she smiles....icky. Her favorite past time is to try and stand...Well, that and watching her big sisters. Trust me, she's constantly entertained. After I get back from AZ we will be getting rid of the bassinet and going to the crib. She's eating cereal and a little food with her formula. Seems to be going well.

Soooo...that's what's been going on. We girls were all sick this past weekend so Kev got the wonderful job of taking care of us all. I never even got out of bed last Friday. He did great!!! This gives me hope that my house will still be standing when I get back from AZ in a few weeks. Let's hope!

Emma's Under The WHAT?

That is what I screamed the other day when I walked into the apartment to find Kevin trying to coax someone or something from under the couch. Apparently he and the girls were picking up toys and Emma saw that there was a little people girl waaaaayyy back under the couch. Being the type of girl she is (aka. NUTS!) she decided to crawl under the couch and get it. It seems that if she pushes herself into the floor, turns her head to the side and scoots on her tummy she can get under. As I stood there and watched Emma scooted back out from under the couch, prize in hand. Oh my god.

Everyday it become more apparent to me that my middle daughter is either going to 1) join the circus, or 2) become a female stunt artist. Or perhaps she'll just be a stunt artist for the circus. Whatever. All I know is that whether it's nose diving off the couch onto (hopefully) a pile of cushions on the floor or shimmying her way up the cupboards I never now what she will do next. Honestly, sometimes I don't want to know. LOL.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

We have been having issues with Ellie telling the truth lately. She will sneak into my bedroom and take something, then lie about it when I ask her if she took it. She's taken my wedding rings, nail polish, money, etc. Or she will get something out of the kitchen and put it in her backpack. The other day I came into the room and she said to me, "Mama, I only have toys in my backpack." When she initiates something like that I KNOW she's not telling me the truth. Sure enough, she had no toys in her bag. What she did have, however, was an entire sleeve of Thin Mint cookies. Huh.

Then last week things hit the ceiling. Ellie came home from school about 1.5 weeks ago with a toy bracelet which she said my dad had given her. I believed that because he will often give the girls little trinkets. The following week, however, she came home with a play phone and a pair of little girl sunglasses. Again, she said dad gave them to her. This time I wasn't buying it. Without Ellie knowing I called dad who confirmed my suspicions. I then asked Ellie what Grandpa would say if I called him and asked if he had given Ellie a gift. She said he'd say NO. I asked where she got them. Apparently she took them from a girl at her school. Great.

Needless to say this discovery was followed by punishment, a call to the school, and a plan on how to give the stuff back. We decided that since Ellie used another girls toys she would give that little girl some of her toys to play with for a few days in return. The teachers and the parent of the girl were all very understanding. I am hoping that Ellie learned her lesson.

Since the incident at the school Ellie has not told me any more lies. I am keeping my fingers crossed that she really did learn her lesson. According to my mom I started to lie about the same age. However, as that story goes, when asked why I lied I quoted a song with the lyrics "Tell Me Lies Tell Me Sweet Little Lies." Apparently I looked at my mom and said "The song TOLD me to lie."...and I fully believed that. LOL. As far as I know Ellie has never heard that song......

The Squeaky-Squeaks

This post is not about my kids, but rather something that has been aiding in my lack of sleep. I currently live on the second floor of an apartment complex. The people above us have never been quiet. In fact, they are often very, very loud. I am not sure what their young boy does up there but I am pretty sure he is training to be a heavyweight or something. Anyways, they have recently added a new noise to their bangs and booms. About 5 nights a week, always around 4:00am, I am awakened by the Squeaky Squeaks. Yes, that's right. Every night. Of course their master bedroom is right above ours so I'm not shocked that I've been hearing things. But it's almost every night...and almost always in the early morning hours. Last night, as I was listening to their, um, sounds, a couple of things cross my mind...

1) 4am?? If Kev even tried to touch me at 4am he'd get socked

2) 5 times a week??? Are you KIDDING??

3) I'm tired. I wish they would stop.

Soooo...that's what I am dealing with right now. As though it's not bad enough having Kev's snoring and three kids wake me up 20-30 times a night, I now have that as well.

Some "OMG" Moments

In my household there is no shortage of OMG moments. You know, those select events that make you laugh and cry at the same time while your mouth hangs open and steam comes from your ears. Here are a few:

1) Ellie thought she would be funny the other day when we told her to go to her room. She hid under the bathroom sink until I was in tears thinking she had gone out the apartment. Then she came out, walked up to me and said, "Mommy I made funny joke." Ug!

2) The girls got into our bedroom and took my rings. Kevin found all of them except my wedding band, which Ellie claimed to have put in her "secret hiding spot." After about 1 1/2 hours of searching we figured out that her hiding spot is under the couch cushion. At least I got my ring back.

3) I put Elana in her bouncy seat and went to the fridge to get a pop. I came back literally 15 seconds later and there she was, out of her seat, on her stomach and about 1.5 feet away. I think she was trying to swim or something on the carpet.

4) Emma can now get out of her crib. Lucky us. I woke up the other night and screamed at the top of my lungs. There, in the dark, was Emma on the side of my bed with her blankie over her head like a little Casper. Staring at me.

5) The girls have figured out that when the faucet in the bathroom goes on they are going to get into trouble. Now if they want to play with water they just get it from the toilet. Lovely.

6) Ellie and Emma got into Elana's room where I was storing 7 bins of clothes that I was sorting. They dumped them all over the floor. Nothing left in the bins. Guess I need to start sorting again.

Well...that's what happened in my house this past week. Fun Fun Fun!!! LOL. :D

Escape Artist

Any of you who are familiar with my family, specifically Ellie, will know that she likes to escape. When she was about 2 she ran out of the house in winter clad only in a diaper and boots, carrying her Easter basket. The neighbor girls found her, brought her home to Kevin ( I was at work). Then, not long ago, she and Emma escaped the apartment and went up to dad's. This was on a day Kev got up with the girls and had promptly fallen asleep on the couch. Not cool. Like the other two, this latest escapade occurred while I was at work, or in this case just came in from work.

This past Friday when I got home things were really crazy at my house. I had just finished a very loooong day of team meetings and was feeling quite frazzled. Anyways, when I came in the door it was obvious that everything was about to explode. Kevin was fuming at the girls (another post entirely), the girls were pissed at Kevin, and Elana was screaming her head off because that's what she does. For some reason Kevin was sending Ellie and Emma to their rooms. Well, as I was getting Elana to change her diaper Ellie decided to go and hide so she wouldn't have to go to her room. After repeatedly calling her name and searching the apartment I told Kevin I though she had gone out of the apartment again. I ran out into the hall and walked towards Dad's, figuring that is where she was going. She was nowhere to be found. I ran up and down the calls calling her name, but with no luck. I ran outside, afraid she had gone out the front door and had been unable to get back in due to our security system. No sign of her. I ran, I looked, I called, I cried. Nothing. At this point even Dad was helping me look. Not seeing her anywhere I ran back inside and met dad halfway. "Kev found her", he said. Sigh! I ran into the apartment, tears still streaming down my face. There she was, like nothing happened.

So where was our little Houdini?? She had crawled under the bathroom sink (don't ask me how) and had hid there. We had a nice looong talk about why it's not nice to hide from mommy and daddy...then she was promptly sent to her room, which is what she was trying to get out of in the first place.

Single Husband

It will come as no big shocker to anyone reading this that for the last few months I have been cold. Not just sometimes cold, not a little chilled here and there....Just Plain Cold. Of course, I am living in Minnesota so what do I expect, right?! Well, to get a break from that, amongst other things, I am going to visit my mom in Arizona for my birthday this year. I will fly out on the 10th and return the 15th. Doug, my stepdad, gets a lot of free flights from his work so this won't really be costing me much at all. Plus it will be WARM! Not too warm mind you...Hopefully not the 120 degrees it was when I went out in June for my mom's wedding. That's a bit much for me. Mom says it will be just like I like it, and I am putting my trust in that ;)

Anyways, the big deal with this whole thing is that Kev will be alone with the girls that entire week. Dad has agreed to help out so that my hubby doesn't TOTALLY lose his mind, but I still have concerns. I can't tell you the stories I hear when I get home from work each day. They are enough to stop the heart of any working mom. I try explaining that things might go more smoothly if he were to put some structure into the girls days...So far, though, chaos is rampant. I'm sure it will be no different when I am gone for a couple days in a row. Ellie will probably escape again, Emma will probably eat her weight in pennies and Elana will probably just sit back and take it all in. Lord help me.

Date Day

Kevin and I had a much needed Date Day this past Monday. We got up early (nothing new in my household) and headed on out. First was a stop at Half Price Books (love, love, love!!) and Panera for breakfast. Then we headed down to the Mall of America. For any of my friends who love to shop, you better get out here before we move back to Michigan in July 2011 so I can take you there!! I LOVE IT!! I know a lot of folks in MN aren't so big on it but for me it's just heaven on earth. We shopped, we ate, we shopped some more,....Ok, I mostly shopped and Kevin mostly watched, but so what ;) Ended up getting a super cute pairs of jeans that are supposed to be $40 for $11 :D YES!!!!

The shopping was wonderful, the food was great....but what was most important was the fact that Kev and I got to spend some time together. We were able to talk without cartoons blaring in the background. We got to sit and eat without constantly begging Emma to sit in her chair. AND I could go to the bathroom without worrying about whether or not one of my children has escaped and is running naked through the hallways...Not that this has ever happened ;)

2 Year Anniversary

Today is my two year anniversary at Goodwill. To be honest, it barely seems like 6 months. I can't believe it. Because we have moved so much I have never actually been at one job for this long before. I feel quite accomplished. I love my co-workers and (most of the time) the people I serve. Yes, like every job it has it's moments......Every day is an adventure. For example, today I had an individual tell me that his job goal is to either be a Carnie or to work as a nark for the police. Hmmm....not really easy to job develop for those lines of work, but hey, to each his own. Every day I learn a little something, and hopefully I am helping myself in working towards my goal of returning to school. The plan right now is to go back for a masters in counseling, specifically Marriage and Family Therapy. I think Kev is a little worried about this...but at least then when I give him advice I will have a degree to back it up ;)

It Must Be Love

I know that my last few posts have been somewhat, well...Depressing. That is so not like me, and it's certainly not a representation of the me I want to be. So here is a happy post about something that made my heart melt yesterday.

The ritual in our house at night after the older girls are in bed has become that I usually do some crafty stuff, play with Elana and watch TV...Kevin usually is on the computer. Well, last night at 7:00 I sat down to tune into that evenings showing of The Bachelor. I couldn't believe it when Kev came and sat down next to me!!!! The look on my face must have said it all because he simply said, "I'll watch this with you if you want." WHAT?!?! If there are any men out there who like this show, my husband is certainly not one of them. In the end I didn't make him watch it...but it certainly wasn't because he didn't offer. If a man offers to watch a girly reality show with you, well....It must be love!

Runner Up Mommy?

Lately I have been having a lot of thoughts about what type of mother I am. My conclusion?? Not the best. I know a few things for sure-
I try my hardest every day to give each of my girls love and attention.
I do my best to help my girls grow into the women they are supposed to be
I try to accept each of my girls for who they are and not compare them to each other
I try to balance lessons with love, education with acceptance

Sounds great, right? So what's the problem? Well...time. That's my main obstacle. I work 40 + hours per week, keep the house clean, sometimes cook dinner, etc. I run out of time for it all...And sometimes I run out of patience. I don't have time to make sure that everything my girls eat is healthy. I don't have time to choose the best, most organic of choices. I don't even have time to seek out and buy the best educational toys out there. I should have time for these things, and so many more. I try to make the time for these things. But trying and doing are two totally different things!!!

What are my girls going to remember of me when they get older? Will they remember that their mommy always tried her hardest to make things good for them? Or will they simply remember that their mommy always tried but never succeeded? Will they even know I tried?? Truth be told, I try not to ask these questions too much because the possible answers do nothing but terrify me.

I want to be the best Mommy I can be--Number One to my girls. However, I am terrified that I won't make it. And I don't want to settle for Runner Up.

Valentines Day Part 2

So as you read in my previous post, I was planning a huge surprise for Kevin. It was my hope that I could get his oldest two girls, Kayla and Samantha, out here for a visit over their winter break. I am sad to say that my plans are not going to work out. I will spare a lot of the details because it will just get me all worked up again...But I will say this. Everybody was willing to help except the girls mother. I all made but made it as easy as possible for her as it could get. Kev's brother even got in on it and said he would help in with pick-up/drop-off if Ivy had to work. Still, no go. We will try again to plan a trip in April, when the girls are on spring break.

And Jill----I am sorry that a visit didn't work out as well. Now that I am done paying the bill for having Elana, hopefully our cash flow will even out enough to make this possible. Damn those kids are expensive!! ;)

Valentines Day Plans Part 1

So I am trying to set up this huge surprise for Kevin on Valentines Day. It has been way too long since he's seen the girls, and we just haven't had the money for the trip back to MI that we've been wanting to take. However, I figured out a way to come up with a little cash...enough to get the girls here for a visit. My plans are (hopefully) this: Wake Kevin up early on the 14th, drive to somewhere in IL to meet Ivy and the girls and bring them back for a few days. He would have no idea what's going on until we are in the car. Sounds great, right? Well, there is only one thing standing in the way...Ivy. I spoke to her the other day on the phone and she wasn't sounding too thrilled with the idea...I'm not really sure why, to tell you the truth. She knows the girls miss their dad and need to see him as badly as he does them. She knows we are tight for money, but shouldn't complain b/c she is still getting her child support. I explained that I wanted to meet in Rockford, which by the way is a longer drive for me than her. Still she wasn't sure. Her reason was that Kayla has basketball practice. Really?! It's the only break they will have for a while, which means the only chance they will have for a visit for a while. And she's worried about a 10 year olds basketball practice? This is the reason so many of our attempts to visit have never really worked out. Ugh. I live Ivy, I do...I just hope she sees how important this is and how much it would mean to the girls to see their dad. Keep your fingers crossed, updates to follow!!

Marriage Vs. Money

There is nothing more trying on a marriage than money. Believe me, I know. I have been married almost 5 years now and every large disagreement my husband and I have had has been in regards to finances. Sadly, as of late our fights have become more and more frequent. Probably due to the fact that money has become more and more scarce. Don't get me wrong, we are not out on the street, or living in a van down by the river. Still, we don't have as much money coming in as we would like and it's starting to take it's toll. Kevin, my husband, feels lost...He wants so badly to return to Michigan where my stepdaughters live. He feels as though he has not been a good father to them, and in many ways he is correct. Not because he doesn't try, mind you, but because the distance is so great and we haven't been able to come up with the money to visit as often as we should. I understand all this, I really do. I do not have a problem with his feelings about this issue. Where we have conflict is how he deals with these issues. Like many men he withdraws, which in turn leaves me feeling emotionally empty. I want to rally by his side, "us against the world." It's hard to do so, though, when I don't feel that he cares whether I am by his side or not. This is probably totally untrue, and I am probably just being emotional. Oh well. This is how I feel.

Marriage is work. Every day I spend more energy being married than I do anything else. I try to focus on how wonderful things would be if we didn't have the stresses and worries we do. I try to work towards that goal. I just don't know if I am working towards this with Kevin or on my own.

I know my husband loves me. I do know that. But I also feel he resents me for decisions made in the past. All I can say to that is that I have always tried my best to be a good wife, mother. Every decision I have made has been made with the best of intentions in furthering my family's success. I have never done anything out of malice or to get back at him. I'm not that petty. Not every choice I have made has turned out the way I have wanted. Many have. Yet how do I get past these failures and move on if the person who is my partner will not??

How I long to live somewhere that money has no value...If love were currency I would be set. I have plenty of that to give. I'm just not sure it's worth much these days.

I Need Something More

If you were to take a photograph of my life this is what you would see: One 26 (almost 27) year old woman with three BEAUTIFUL little girls, two BEAUTIFUL not so little anymore stepdaughters, one stand-by-me husband and one rewarding job. A very pretty picture if I do say so myself. However, as the saying goes, things are not always what they may seem. PLEASE do not get me wrong...I am VERY happy with all of the things I listed above...but lately I have started to wonder if there is not something more out there, something I am missing, something I should be doing that I haven't discovered yet.

Honestly, I have felt this way for years. I once thought that what I was missing was children. Obviously that's not the case, as I now have enough children to run my own school but the feeling still remains. I once thought that what I was missing was a dedicated, long term relationship. Kevin and I have been (almost always) happily married for nearly 5 years and so that cannot be it. That brings me to my job. This, I think, is the problem. I LOVE Goodwill. As a company it is a stand-up one, dedicated to its mission of helping others. My co-workers are wonderful, I couldn't ask for more. Still, I think that this may not be the profession for me. I think that I want to stay in human services...Perhaps marriage and family therapy? Not totally sure. So is that what is missing?? Am I missing a piece of me that pertains to my true calling?

Even as I write this I am not sure. The feeling of incompleteness I have runs so deep sometimes that I fear I will never really figure it out. All around me I see people with passion, with inspiration, driven by one thing or another. When I talk to friends they seem so contented with their life, happy with where they are on their path. I think I used to have that. I KNOW I did. When did this change? How did it change? My life has meaning, I know....but perhaps it doesn't hold all of the meaning that it could. A piece of the puzzle is missing.

4 going on 14

I have come to the conclusion as of late that Ellie is actually a teenager trapped in a 4 year olds body. I'm not really sure how this happened, but really it's the only explanation I have as to why she has been acting so snobby lately. Though I know I am strong willed, I like to think that I am not a particularly snobby person. Yet here is my little girl, talking to me like I remember talking to my mom. When I was 16.

I wish I could post a picture or video of her when she's in the middle of a 'tude. It's not just what she says, but how she says it. When she stands in front of me, hands on hips, eyes rolled, I am not sure whether to scold her or to laugh out loud. She looks so comical, trying to be all grown up and tough. I did notice that this new attitude began when she started school, so I am wondering if there is some influence there. It's either that or she is getting up late at night to watch MTV.

All I can think is Lord help me if I have to go through this for the next 14 years straight. Well, it will be Kevin that will really need the help. He loves his girls...but I don't see how he is going to deal with 5 having their periods at once if he can't handle the sarcasm of his 4 year old. Oh boy.